Counting the days.

33 weeks along tomorrow.

My second pregnancy has been full of highs and lows. I had quite a scare last weekend and landed myself in the hospital Saturday afternoon for peace-of-mind. I just didn’t feel B2K moving around as much or as pronounced for 2 days and I couldn’t shake the anxiety from my heart and mind that something may be wrong. I had to do something to get reassurance that the baby was okay. The worst part was scaring my husband. When I told him I wanted to get checked out I could see the fear in his eyes immediately. I understood. He didn’t know what I was or wasn’t feeling and for me to bring up a hospital visit out of nowhere was a shock to his system. I felt horrible playing with his emotions that way but I knew that I couldn’t rest until I knew B was undoubtedly healthy. He understood why I needed to do it, too. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened and I hadn’t done anything. It was a long day—mentally exhausting for everyone involved. Following an ultrasound and several hours connected to heart monitors, not to mention some pretty mediocre hospital food, I left that night knowing that our baby was doing well. I can’t begin to explain to you how relieved I was and I will tell you, it was SO worth it.

I’ll be honest, most days it takes all of my energy to manage the craziness in my brain. Between Rylan and B2K (and just life) I’m walking a tightrope of emotions.

I think about Rylan every day and continue to struggle with his death. I still feel empty—like there’s a hole in my heart without him. That something gigantic is missing in our lives and has been for over a year. Sometimes the guilt finds its way to the surface—that I didn’t know what was happening to him while he was in my belly and that I couldn’t prevent his passing. I continue to wear a handful of jewelry that symbolizes him regularly. We have his picture on our bedroom dresser to which I look at every morning and say goodnight to with a kiss on my fingertips every night. Some days it all feels so surreal that I wonder whether it was all just a terrible nightmare. Other days the sadness is so dark, the pain so sharp, that there is no question. It’s funny how much you can miss someone you barely had the chance to know. How deep your love can be. How tragic the loss. I hope people are right. I hope you are reunited with your loved ones in heaven. I would do anything to see him, to hold him, again. It certainly makes the thought of my own departure someday a lot less scary. I will never forget Ry’s face. How great it felt to cradle him. How wonderful it was to kiss his soft cheeks and run my hand over his tiny forehead. How amazing it was to see Chris hold his son’s little, bundled body in his muscular arms. To see our friends and family with him. He is the most beautiful part of my past and the inspiration that drives my future.

I think about B2K every day and continue to do all that I can to protect the little life inside of me. I try to eat often and balance my diet with healthy snacks like fruit, veggies, and yucky yogurt. I take my giant prenatal vitamin every night. I limit sleep positions to my side, mostly on the left because doctors say that’s better for babies. I count movements at least 3 times a day. I admit that I worry a lot. Keeping my anxiety managed is a daily accomplishment. I can’t help but think about our future with B this late in the process. I consider the possibility of having one of our children here with us. I dream about being a mom. About witnessing Chris as an active daddy. About seeing our parents be grandparents. About sharing our 2nd baby with friends and family. I long to get that first glimpse of B’s face and to hear those initial cries and tiny coos. I can’t wait to see those wonderful eyes and feel tiny breaths against my chest that aren’t my own. Something that I think many parents take for granted.  I visualize the days and years that follow B’s birthday. I pray that we get the chance to see this through. To fulfill, what I believe, is my purpose in life.

Being pregnant again is so bittersweet. My excitement is offset with continuous uncertainty. I just want to fast forward to the day we meet B. Besides all of the expected emotional feelings, I’m also growing weary of my physical state. I know that there are women out there who love being pregnant but that is definitely not me. I mean, there are amazing things to note-like being blessed enough to get pregnant in the first place—and certainly feeling the baby move around and having your child with you 24/7. It creates a closeness that only mothers know. Something you can’t explain. I have 2 months left and yet I feel that I am full term. I am one of those rare women with something called symphysis pubic dysfunction, which can be (and is for me) pretty painful and uncomfortable. My best explanation is that the ligaments that keep your pelvic bone aligned become too relaxed and stretchy leading to an unstable pelvic joint. It’s normal for your body to release a hormone called relaxin and to prepare for your baby’s delivery… but unfortunately this reaction can occur early in pregnancy, making it difficult to sit, stand, and lay down. I equate it to what it might feel like to have someone kick you straight in the vagina bone. Pretty much hurts to do most things and the heavier the baby becomes the more discomfort is felt—at least in my case. In my last pregnancy it started about a month before delivery and this time I began to feel the effects somewhere in the 20-somethings as far as weeks go. I go to the bathroom 4-8 times per night and can’t remember the last time I got a full night’s sleep-even before this pregnancy. I’m pooped. I work a lot and have a long commute. I live for the weekends and can’t wait to get to the finish line.

Enough of the complaints. I just had a lot to get some of that off my chest. I am so thankful to have another chance at being an active mom and truly hope it happens. I look forward to the day that I can write and tell all of you that my sleepless nights are the result of a hungry baby in my arms. My fingers are crossed, hands are clasped tight in prayer…holding my breath (in a matter of speaking). Thank you for all of your positive thoughts. It means so much to me. I hope you’re all getting by as best as you can and that the sun shines on you and your families today, tomorrow, and in the days that follow.

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7 thoughts on “Counting the days.”

  1. I had the same ligament thing – I swear I felt so flipping amazing not to be in pain after I delivered. Sometimes I lift my knees up to my chest just because I can. And I can put pants on without whimpering! Soon enough, please God, you’ll have that baba home with you. And don’t feel bad about going to the hospital, I went five times in the last seven weeks.

    1. Thank you, it’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one… it’s nice to have someone understand how I’m feeling physically and how difficult it can be to try again after losing a child mentally. I do feel absolutely crazy inside. 24/7. LOL. It’s so odd to be so happy, sad, excited, uncertain, and more, all at the very same time! How far along are you right now? What is the most exciting part and scariest part of your current pregnancy? How is your husband?

      1. She actually arrived on the 5th, dead on her due date 🙂 it’s wonderful to have her home! I hit a bad wall around 35 weeks where I just wanted to schedule a c section and have everything be finished. I was in so much pain, and just so exhausted from the emotional stuff that goes with being pregnant again… But then I relaxed somehow, and even though I was offered an induction at 39 weeks, we decided to wait, and I had a totally natural intervention free birth, which was what I wanted. Though it would have been nice to make it to the hospital instead of delivering in the car on the way there…

  2. Ah, the conflicting emotions, I know them all too well. 😛 It definitely makes it all a tightrope walk, as you say…

    But congrats on 33 weeks! No small feat. 🙂 (I have to periodically remind myself to be appreciative of the time I have gotten thus far, and to recognize the achievement.) Hang in there. ❤

  3. You are doing great. Hang in there. You are totally allowed to feel annoyed at the many physical challenges of being pregnant. I was and I didn’t have the pain that you are dealing with, although I did have to give myself insulin shots 3 times a day this pregnancy. I’m happy to be done with that. You are going to make it to that finish line and you are very close! Praying for you

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