The second hardest day of my life.

I could not wait for winter to come to a close. Yet, as I sit here, I can say that I’m not quite ready for spring, either. Now, let’s not get confused here. I’m most definitely ready for sundresses, tanks, and flip flops. Sun on my face and flowering trees. Birds singing in the morning and a light breeze through the windows at night. But like everything in my life since we lost Rylan, there is no light without shadows. Spring does not just bring about the expectation of sunnier days for me, but the promise of sorrow.

My beautiful son, Rylan died, and was born, on May 12th. That was Mother’s Day last year. I think that made losing him feel extra cruel. It still hurts me to the core. Both his 1st birthday and Mother’s Day have come. This year they actually fall on different days. I’m not sure if that softens the blow at all. In fact, I will now have two, consecutive days of extreme heartbreak to overcome—every year. And that’s not saying that the other days of the year are easy. The past few weeks grew more and more difficult as today approached. It’s been harder to make it through regular days. I haven’t been able to sleep, and it’s not because I have to get up 8 times a night for bio breaks. I’ve sat and stared at this computer screen several times trying to complete this post and have found it difficult to gather words on a page that can truly capture how I feel.

I can’t believe that it has been a year. Sometimes I run through those last few days, the weeks that closely followed our baby’s death, in my head and in my heart. It’s like experiencing a nightmare while you’re fully awake. I can feel everything inside as if it’s occurring in the present moment. I can feel the nervousness and fear of not knowing what delivery will be or feel like. I can see my husband laying next to me in bed as we wait for labor to progress. Waiting to go to the hospital when the time is “right.” I can hear our conversation about how our lives are about to change in such a different, and amazing, way. Our excitement. I concentrate on the music playing and the designs that dance on the computer screen in our guest room. I feel how painful the contractions are and how hard it is to make the drive to the hospital, which is not super close to our home. I can picture my car, abandoned by the front doors, hazard lights flashing against the columns of the entryway in the middle of the night. The concern on my husbands face when the first entrance we approach is locked. I can feel the contractions becoming stronger. I’m scared. Barely able to walk. Once inside, my husband wheels me up to the elevator so we can get to the maternity floor. I hand my insurance cards to the nurse once we reach our destination. I try to keep calm. We enter the room where our lives will be forever changed. The pain becomes scarier. Nearly unbearable. My water breaks immediately. The nurses use a dopplar on my stomach. Than an ultrasound machine. I can sense that something is wrong. I hear the silence in the room as they look and listen. It feels like an eternity and mere seconds when they look up at us and say, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat. I’m sorry.” I can barely process what is happening at that moment. Between the shock and severe physical pain I can only concentrate on breathing. Devastated. The only word in the English language that remotely comes close to how I felt that night—how I felt after—and how I continue to feel over our great loss every day.

I cry less these days, but when I do it’s long and hard. Sorrow runs deep. Losing a child is not something you can ever accept or get beyond. I know that I’ve said it before, but I think it’s unnatural. I really don’t think that parents are meant to bury their babies. It goes against the cycle of life. The process is so backwards that parents can’t be expected to easily and comfortably move forward. The loss is something we carry forever. I wish that the people we encounter everyday could understand how we feel. But I’ve learned that even the people who come close to understanding (like some of you readers) can’t relate to everything I say, nor do I relate to everything you say. All of our experiences are different. Our actions after losing our children were different. The way we cope is different. Even my husband and I, who have endured losing the same child, handle the loss individually. Some of the hurt is the same, some varies. Losing a child can leave you in a very lonely place. Sometimes the hurt is tucked down deep inside you. When you attend family functions or go out with friends. When you go to work or take a trip to the store. But keeping it down or feeling like you have to keep it under the surface-especially for days or weeks on end—can intensify the isolation and hurt you feel. That is where I am a lot of the time. I wish that no one had to experience the loss of a child. All I can say is that it will alter your view of the world and change who you are forever.

So let’s talk about Mother’s Day. Leading up to yesterday was tough. Listening to other people’s upcoming plans at work last week. Commercials on television. Advertising in just about every store you stepped into for the past month. For as sad as I feel I must say that my day at home was easier than the days leading up to it, in some ways. The sun was out and the weather was warm. No rain, thank goodness. Sat outside for a little. Picked up some hanging baskets for the porch with my hubby. It’s nice to be surrounded by green leaves and flowers again. I saw my mom and wished her a happy mothers day. I gave her a book about us. Filling it out was nice because it adjusted my focus from the time I’m missing with Rylan to the time I’ve shared with my mother over the years. My parents gave me a lovely hibiscus tree for our back deck and it was my favorite color, yellow. My sister dropped off some pretty flowers and a flag with a butterfly on it for the walkway up to our house. My mother-in-law gave me a bracelet with a butterfly on it. An unexpected bouquet of roses was left by one of my mom’s friends (whom I’ve never met) which was really nice, and surprising, as well. I also received a bunch of thoughtful text messages. It was nice to be remembered. I did my share of crying, but all in all, the day was fine.

May 12, 2014. Rylan’s first birthday. It hurts to think about what today should’ve been… what the past year may have been like for our family, had he survived. All of the milestones we missed out on together. And, I’m not just talking about crawling and graduating to jars of baby food. I’m talking about the little things that matter even more. Reading him books and rocking him to sleep at night. Watching him interact with his daddy, including watching Chris fumble around with stinky diapers. Seeing Ry smile and laugh. Hiding beside his crib to watch him sleep. Calling him by name and telling him we love him, in person. Taking him on outings and admiring as family and friends hold him in their arms. Gazing into his eyes. Memorizing the scent of his hair and skin. Playing with him at bath time, in the swimming pool, or at the beach. There are so many things that I could write a novel covering just 1 year of life. I imagine we would have planned a small gathering of friends and family to celebrate. That there would have been a cute theme and photos of his little hands grabbing onto a handful of cake and icing—the dog brothers, no doubt, sweeping up the remains. I wish things were different so badly. But with saying all of that, Chris and I decided to make the most of his day, even if he can only be present in our hearts. We decided to continue the butterfly release that we were able to perform at his funeral (thanks to some friends last year). We ordered a dozen for Chris and I to release today and decided to free most of them at the cemetery, with just a few left for home. We wanted them to be a gift to Rylan. Something that we can do in his memory every year. A family tradition for our son. We started our morning with a trip to his grave. We brought flowers and butterflies in tow, along with a blanket to sit on. We stayed awhile and watched the butterflies flutter about in the grass and dance among the flowers nearby. It was sad, but peaceful. Shortly after we went to lunch at a nice restaurant nearby and enjoyed each other’s company. Just as yesterday, and many days of the year, today has been a mix of happy and deep sadness.

I want people to know that Chris and I are so thankful to have each other. That we recognize that having people in our lives who care, even if they may never truly understand the loss we’ve endured, is a blessing. I want people to know how much Chris and I love our Rylan. How missed he is, how beautiful he was, and how touched we’ve been by his life and by his premature departure from our lives.

Happy 1st birthday, my sweet Rylan. I miss you terribly.

 

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One thought on “The second hardest day of my life.”

  1. I have to agree, loosing your son on Mother’s Day does seem especially cruel!! As if having your child die is ever not cruel, but on Mother’s Day??? No. That’s it’s own special brand of cruelty. I’m sorry about Rylan. I’m sorry that its “that time of the year” for you. I know what you mean, I struggle with the winter. I hate every day that is sunny and bitter cold, just like it was the day Logan died. I always feel it the hardest the days leading up to a milestone. This past January was 5 years. Next week my little boy should’ve been celebrating his 5th birthday. But on the actual day It always feels anticlimactic. Which really is a relief for me. This was the first Mother’s Day (and birthday in April which has always been a bad day too) that I didn’t cry. But I still thought about them. I really like your butterfly tradition. What a special way to honor Rylan each year! You asked me how I was when you stopped by my blog today. I really should update it. Guess I didn’t realize it’d been so long. After an emotionally exhausting and terrifying 9 months of what was a pretty “normal” pregnancy (despite getting Gestational Diabetes) I gave birth to a living, healthy, and normal baby boy last August whom we named Grayson. The next morning I had my tubes tied to prevent me from changing my mind or trying to convince my DH to tempt fate one more time. I’d love to say that it was a magic pill and that after my last son was born I felt all better and finally “got over” the loss of my two other children. After all that’s what people expected to happen, what they assume happened. That God came through for me and gave me my son (actual words my mother used several times). BUT. I already had a son, maybe even two. And their deaths were not erased or equalized because of Grayson’s birth. I still feel it every day, perhaps not so sharply, but none the less. And I’ll admit, there are a ton of mixed emotions and confusion. I never did bond while pregnant, and it took a good week after his birth to really start to “feel” anything. All of the counselors and doctors that shuffled through my room pointed out it was to be expected, and not abnormal (given our trauma), and that it would indeed subside. What I didn’t expect (and now feel stupidly about the naivety) was how much Logan’s death would shadow the things that happened with Grayson. There’s a lot more fear for his life (SIDS, Vaccines, trauma, accidents, illnesses, etc.) most of it irrational. A few weeks ago he had several days of high fevers, we were emotional wrecks around here because, of course, it was a foreshadowing to his immanent death. He’s fine now. Duh. But its hard to stay rational and sane about things like that now. Because we KNOW. And I have a lot of unexpected guilt. Its a lot to go into in your comment section, but these “rainbow babies” come with a lot of baggage. Baggage I’ll carry gladly, but baggage none the less. I will say this, TIME is the big answer. Right around 14 months after Logan died I started to come out of the darkest parts. And though I miss my babies and the life we could’ve shared, after many years I no longer take it personal. I am no longer angry with God. I’ve come to “terms” with their deaths. Blogging really was a God send for me. Getting all the gunk out there, seeing that other women felt the same way that I did. I found a lot of comfort there. I started a resource blog back then also. Its still up though it doesn’t get tended to much these days. Maybe you will find some added comfort among the many parents who passed through there over the years. http://deadbabyclub.blogspot.com/ (which actually appears to have been hijacked! I’ll have to look into that.) We also have a facebook page if you ever decide to get a page of your own. https://www.facebook.com/groups/101961248371/ Feel free to email me if you’d like some one on one. Sometimes its nice to have someone to talk to who has several years on you. I had one such mentor myself. You can directly contact me through my blogger profile (just click on my name on the left). I’m sorry we had to meet like this. I’m sorry that you are here now too. Peace to you Momma. Keep breathing.

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